yea, well, been extremely sick for a while, not to mention wanna die quite often, dont misunderstand now, i wanna die but dun wanna really run offf n kill myself. las nite i sat there in tears i was in so much pain n i jus kept pukin all over..

 soo as for today ima go smoke up for the first time in a longggg time, i have completely givin up..

its only 2:15 n my day sucked already...i hate this house with a strong passion n want to go awayyyy..n i had plans but i currently don feel like goin out n getting drunk on a skewl nite so im gonna sit home as usual..

o yea..n cuz life is such a bitch as usual...i already puked 4 times...geez..some1 should jus shoot me n put me outta my misery

heh, im on like 4 diff. meds now, n i dun even kno the name of all of them

anywayyyy, skewl is ok, been kinda down cuz im sick from my meds, considering im on so many (crazy, no?)

wellllll, off to sleep

well, i got home from the hosp. today, i was in intensive care pediatrics for like 4 days cuz my heart was close to failing, then at st clairs from sat. night until today, to put it short, i od'd n i was there for multiple suicide attempts...

i really wanna go sleep soon, lol, im soooo tired from everything

im breakin up with jay..long story.

neways, yesterday, i went to my fam reunion(would have rather been shot) i drove up with john and peter, we followed my parents, but neways, it was aight, i got a tad drunk, n me n john slept at mike n lauras house as did a bunch of others. this morning we headed home, n got a bit lost, and alas, here i am.

training is funn..ahh the power of athletics..so far im on like 5 miles a day, plus like 2-3 hrs of excercise straight thru n some sprinting..all fun. i lost 5 lbs.

did i mention im tired??? lol, sry if i dont update often, im always training  n doin skewl work, or at the skewl painting horsies, lol

as soon as i thought life was going so well..CRASH..

at least i still have sox my kitten to keep me company..

paint, run, puke, ya my day so far sux...im SO close to jus like shootin myself..

i had fun today, went out with jay, we watched road trip by his house, then picked up alex n drove to linden to chill with karla..but, the driven to linden part, we ended up n hr to far away in ASBURY PARK..as in 10 min. away from pt pleasant, lmao, but we got there at like 9:15 pm, then  stayed till like 10:45, n i got home kinda drunk..but i only had from wut i remember 3 beers..but ya, i was fine when i got home cuz my dad didnt realize, neways we got los on the way home as well, but alls good..

i cant remember wut im supposed to do tomorrow..i kno im supposed to do something other than go to the skewl n work, as in finish painting the skewl..but i cant remember, well, ima go, ttyl, luv ya

ok, today was fun, i was having a bad day but steph rescued me, so i went to her house..then spencer n joe came over too n i met her freind jordy(sp?). i had a good time, we went to the mall, then applegate farms where i got upset (dur, girl with ed at icecream place) n i talked to steph, n jordy n joe ended up makin out in stephs car n going out (heart shattered) but ya kno wut, i can do better, i dun care about him nemore, as a friend i do, but not in that way. newayysss, i passed out twice in her car..not kewl, but she helped me, n then got me bk so i ate some..i didnt wanna faint again..buttttt i went home had a sandwich n puked it all up..i wish i hadnt...i need to work out my feelings, n dude..i need a bf, lol, n i have yet to hear from the person in the previous post about if she hates me or not..

o, n pertaining to the posts subject..im lookin for a car so i have one, not plannin on buyin it till i have a permit, lol, but im lookin so i kno how much i should have saved up when i get my liscense. n i saw the cutesttttttt car

ok, in the morning, my day sucked..i went to paint more horses at the highskewl..i wish some1 else would do it too, it would be more fun if i wasnt alone..but newaysss, i luv painting and art n mr cumba needed some1 to do it n asked me, so to pay back for all the times i coulda been suspended, i did it..ill be done sometime in the end of august, then we will do more painting in the skewl thruout the yr.

then my day got a bit better, i slept, lol

then  it was fun, i watched strong medicine, awesomeee show, and then steph l. came n we watched hunger point, a good movie about a girl with an ed..very emotional tho..then we went to bk and she got a kidsmeal n made me eat 1 1/2 chicken nuggets n a french fry...not fun.. then we went to my house again for like 5 min. then to see joe and watched like 20 min. of skool of rock with joe, his bro, a girl i met n her bro..then to my house for like 20 min. then steph went home...she broke up with brian : sad :

then my day sucked again cuz i ate and purged....then emailed some1 about how i want her to simply IM me to tell me the truth about if she really did mean it when she always said she cared and to tell me the truth if she ever wants to hear from me again..n if u r reading this...it would mean the world to hear the truth from YOU, not ur friends...and it hurts so much more to find out its a lie and find out the r avoiding and ignoring you, than to be told off to ur face, n id rather u tell me off n i will be gone for good

well, goodbye all..ttyl

ok...life is crashing worse than ever nonetheless im being told my ocd is now involving me having an "obsession with the numbers 4 and 8" because when i do things i have this thing where it has to be somehow associated with the numbers 4 and 8..

and i officially feel like my friends all forgot me or hate me

::::::edit::::::::

i swallowed the bak of my labret ring accidentally so had to get a new one..